September 2, 2020

September 1, 2020 I started my 300 day program with Brian Johnson. A program that will help me to more and more consistently express the best version of myself and give the world all I’ve got. To close the gap between who I’m CAPABLE of being and who I’m ACTUALLY being by living with virtue. All of this in service of a better world, true connections and healthy love. Want to follow my progress? You can sign up.

I installed F.lux yesterday I somehow I really feel it helped me fall asleep more easily. I can really recommend it.

Today I had a me-time day. My goal was to get up at 08:00 but it ended up me taking my shower at 09:00. I was awake at 07:00 already, but love to stay in bed a bit. It’s not new to me: I have trouble getting out of bed. It’s not that I am tired. No, I slept 9 hours. More than enough! In the mornings I always feel low, and a bit dark. As if I don’t want to start the day.

And coincidentally – or may be not such a coincidence – today I had a coaching session myself about an emotional pattern that I am trying to process currently and somehow we – again – came to the topic of Thanatos. It’s such an eye-opener for me, how I really feel very peaceful, when, in the constellation, I put my feet on Thanatos’ position. It’s so0000 peaceful and quiet there. Somehow I love that position. It’s melancholic, it’s night, it’s sad, it’s super okay there for me. Now please don’t think I do not want to ‘not live’. I am (very) alive and kicking. But the night and the mornings….I am in Thanatos’ energy.

The coach and I unraveled precisely why exactly I love this energy so much. I have been in constellations many times, and I’ve always felt attracted towards Thanatos. It helps that I know my family history so profoundly. It all hit home tremendously and the session was deep and inspiring. I felt clearly how loyal I still am towards my parents, and how I am still loyal towards the ‘task’ that I took on since I was very young. Slowly I am moving away from that..stepping in to my own natural strength, no longer feeling guilty for what my Eros’ energy (life force) will do to others.

I am alive. Alive and kicking. Alive and happy. I am embracing Eros more and am slowly stepping away from Thanatos.

Let the day begin! Let the sun shine! Let me be without guilt for being alive! Let me flourish! Yes, let me flourish and prosper, on my terms + with whomever I choose. Personally and work-wise.

It’s time. After years of hard personal work, it’s time. It’s time for Eros’ energy. Love, freedom, self-compassion and guilt-free life force.

Count. Me. In!

Hypnos and Thanatos: Sleep and His Half-Brother Death, by John William Waterhouse, 1874.

Goodnight, sleep well, be well.


By Carolien

Renaissance Soul | Game changer | Fire Starter | Filmmaker | International Master Tantric Trainer & Coach & Massagetherapist.

My drive is to optimise. (Me. You. The world) (Yes, in that order, I used to think it was the exact way around, but that really did not work). My talent is my growth mindset: to get most out of every situation and see that there’s always something to learn. (Always)(Always). My passion is to create. Possibilities. Ideas. Solutions. Art. Life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *